As the countdown to the competition for the 2018 Winter Olympics
reaches 2 days, and the countdown to the Opening Ceremonies reaches 3
days, we really need to get ready. As a first step, I once again give
you my rules/guidelines for watching the Olympics. This is the most
important blog post, so read carefully.
In 2016, I gave you my rules/guidelines
for watching the Summer Olympics in Rio. These were well thought out
and clearly the best advice you could have possibly read for watching
the Summer Olympic games. I mentioned in that post that I could have
simply cut and paste my well thought out and basically unbeatable rules/guidelines
for watching the Olympics in 2012. I chose not to, because watching
the Olympics is an evolving experience. I assume in 20 years the
Olympics will be in virtual reality and we will watch through the
perspective of the athletes. Too bad Shawn White will (probably) have
retired by then so we can't see his performance in virtual reality.
However, for Pyeonchang 2018, we need to update the rules not only
because watching the Olympics is an evolving experience, but also
because watching the Winter Olympics and watching the Summer Olympics
are not the same.
So, I give you the rules/guidelines for watching the 2018 Winter Olympics:
1.
No sex - you didn't think this rule would change, did you? I received a
little push back about this rule in 2016. The main objection was a
claim that one could both engage in sexual activity and watch the
Olympics at the same time. While I suppose this is technically correct,
it is unfair to both your partner and to the Olympics. In a way, it
feels like cheating. And it feels like cheating on two different loves
(or lusts, or whatever you want to call that person you are with.) So I
say "no". No sex. Do what you can tonight. It is acceptable to get a
quickie in after the Opening Ceremonies. But starting Saturday morning
this is an abstinence only zone. If you have the time or energy to
have sex, you just aren't trying. And the Olympics are about giving
your all.
2. Check the schedule - Unlike the summer
Olympics, NBC is not using 137 channels to show you 17,324 hours of
programming. There appear to be only four channels: NBC, NBCSN, USA
and CNBC. If you don't have The Olympic Channel, and you haven't
corrected this oversight, yet, I'm pretty sure we can't be friends.
However, you won't miss much, because all it appears to be showing is
Olympic News. The key for the Winter Olympics is to make sure you
aren't accidentally re-watching things, like figure skating. NBC likes
to show figure skating in the afternoon, and then again in the evening.
I accidentally did that four years ago and I have only recently
recovered from the shame.
3. Pray for snow - Not
in South Korea, but here, or where ever you are. The Winter Olympics
are not as dense as the Summer Games, meaning you don't "have" to invest
as much time to get a solid experience. I don't understand why anyone
wouldn't want to invest all the time they have, but I am told I should
accept people for who they are, even with their obvious and extreme
faults. However, the Winter Games come at a more difficult time. It is
not August, with no school, no kid sports, no kid activities and the
lazy days of the end of summer. We are in the middle of everything -
kid sports, kid activities, work, school and a bunch of really hard
workouts from Rich Williams. We need snow. A ton of snow. I mean,
like, 26 inches, starting at 10 am Monday, shutting the city down for 4
solid days. The weather report is not looking good, but I am ever
hopeful.
4. Stay warm - Luckily for the integrity of the
sports that require outdoor ice and snow, it is freakin' cold in
Pyeonchang right now. Like 12. Unluckily for me, I am in Chantilly, VA
and not Pyeonchang. I will make the most of my unfortunate
predicament, though and sit here, in a heated house, with a blanket on
my legs and probably a cat in my lap, as I enjoy the Winter Olympics in
warmth. Unless you are lucky enough to be at the Games, well, I just
don't like you because you didn't take me with you. If not, I recommend
the warm thing, but without the cat. He's just annoying.
5. Get Inspired - I recommend watching Cool Runnings. John Candy's speech to the Bobsledding Alliance gets me...every...sniff... time.
6.
Laugh - I enjoy watching the best athletes in the world accomplish
amazing feats. That said, ice and snow are slippery and unpredictable.
People fall. Sometimes they get hurt. That's not funny. Sometimes,
they just fall. That's a little funny. Sometimes, they fall in
spectacular fashion. And that can be very funny. I'm not saying go out
of your way to laugh at people. I'm just saying if 15 people crash at
the same point on a cross country skiing race, it's OK to have a little
chuckle.
6. Enjoy - The Winter Olympics gives us the
chance to watch things we almost never see. So take advantage of it.
If you are really into these sports, there are opportunities in
non-Olympic years, but no one really watches biathlon. I love biathlon
and I never watch it outside the Olympics. I enjoy curling, and, yeah,
not watching that in 2019. But for the next 2 weeks...I'm into
everything. Except the sex. That really is a no no. See Rule #1.
7.
Come back. I have been basically off since Rio ended. But the
Olympics always inspires me to write and watch. It will be tough with
the addition of 4:30 am practice for Eldest, and a driving desire to
sleep from time to time. But I am committed to an every other day
schedule. You will get my predictions, random stories, the occasional
funny comment and hopefully something to bring you back a day or two
later.
So there you have it. My Rules/Guidelines for
Pyeonchang 2018. The Games start tomorrow with some skiing, some
curling and some skating. Check your DVR, get some sleep and get some
sex. We got a roller coaster ride coming. We need to be ready.
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