Guidelines for Watching the Olympics

The Olympics is a marathon, not a sprint.  To fully immerse yourself in the Olympic experience, you need a plan.  You can't do this willy-nilly, or you will miss something.  You can't treat it like a sprint, or you will burn out.  You can't do this alone, or you will never find your way out of the rabbit hole.  You need a plan, you need to pace yourself, and you need understanding from those around you.  You also need me, and my advice/guidelines for surviving the next 2 weeks...I mean for watching the Olympics.


Four years ago, I provided guidelines for watching the Olympics.  I ust re-read those guidelines, and, I have to be honest, those were really good guidelines.  I was tempted to cut and paste them right here and call it a day, but that wouldn't be fair.  I have 5 very loyal readers and up to 11 more somewhat occasional readers.  Although none of you would likely catch me plagiarizing myself, it would still be dishonest and a disservice to those of you who support me so well.  So instead of cutting and pasting, I will paraphrase, edit, and add a few things.


Here are my guidelines (or rules) for watching the Olympics:


1.  No sex.  This is important.  If you have the time and energy to have sex, you just aren't trying.  There is definitely something you could be watching, or you could have watched, that would have taken up the time or energy you just wasted by having sex with someone.  I realize this seems extreme, and unfair, and is really had to do when Ryan Lochte is still an Olympian, Kier Simmons is in Brazil and the Brazilian beaches are covered by men and women wearing bathing suits made to fit a 6 year old, or that forgot to cover the butt.  However, if you want to get the full watching experience, you have to sacrifice.  As do those who love you, or lust you, or just want to "love the one you're with."  Tell your sexual partner that you are taking a break.  After the Parade of Nations.  Make sure you take advantage of tonight for one last roll in the hay.


2.  If you don't have a DVR, give up now.  If you do, review everything.  How it works, how much memory, tricks to add to memory, the remote.  You will need all of this.  And all the space you have.  ALL.  OF.  IT.  This means you need to go on a deleting bonanza.  You need to delete One Direction:  This is Us, which has been on the TiVO since someone in the house discovered One D.  You need to delete Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, and make sure you pay enough attention to TV listings BEFORE Thanksgiving, so you know when to record it again this year.  You need to delete the 19 cooking shows, or the entire last Season of Downton Abbey, and every thing your kids have ever recorded.  The words, "Keep Until I Delete" no longer apply.  All space must be reserved for Olympic programming.  Just like No. 1 above...I'm serious.


3.  Check TV listings.  This is where the plan comes into play.  NBC apparently owns 137 different channels and is covering something Olympics related on every one of them.  Some of these are in Spanish, so, unless Spanish is your primary language or you enjoy Spanish commentators, you can skip those.  But you need to know what is on, where it is on and when it is on.  Otherwise, it is likely you will miss the heats of the kayak competition, and we can't have that.


4.  Prioritize.  In all seriousness, decide what you want to watch and see when it is on.  This is a unique experience.  Rarely do you get to watch trampoline on TV.  If that is your thing, and I highly recommend it for about 3 minutes but no more than 3 minutes, find out when trampoline is on and watch.


5.  Watch something new.  Take advantage of the opportunity to watch something you have never watched before.  I recommend a Judo match, because that is one baffling experience.  If you watch a Judo match, and know nothing about Judo, don't learn anything before you watch.  Just watch and try to figure out what the hell is going on.  There are plenty of opportunities - Team Handball, Judo, Fencing, Archery, Table Tennis, etc.  Don't stick to just the spotlight sports.  You may find you enjoy watching something a little crazy.  Like Judo.


6.  Get inspired.  Every Olympic, I am inspired to get into the pool and start swimming again.  This year, I am already swimming again, but it will inspire me to push a little harder.  If you ever had any dreams of athletic glory, it is very easy to get inspired by the Olympics.  The successes, the failures, the stories, the scenery, the music are all inspirational.  If you need more inspiration, make a game of it.  Every time Rowdy Gaines says someone is getting a draft, do 5 push ups.  Every time he mentions that someone only breathes to one side, do 5 sit ups.  Every time you see an attractive athlete, do 5 jumping jacks.  If someone in a thong appears in the background, go for a 2 minute jog.  If you are creative, you can find a lot of games to play.  Regardless of how, use the inspiration.  The Olympic motto is Citius, Altius, Fortius.  This means Faster, Higher, Stronger.  Not Fastest, Highest, Strongest.  Be inspired to go faster, higher and stronger.


7.  Watch as a family.  This is really fun.  Let the kids experience the joy of winning and the pain of losing through some of the greatest athletes in the world.  Learn a little about the athletes and the sports and Brazil.  Let them see what it takes to be that good.  Maybe they will be inspired, maybe they won't.  Regardless, fun for the whole family.


8.  Enjoy.  The Olympics, when everything goes well, is fun, exciting and beautiful.  Enjoy it, and hope the potential disasters don't happen.  It all starts tonight with the Opening Ceremonies, which are almost always great.  Then, throughout the next 2 weeks, you get to see great performances, real emotions, beautiful landscapes, interesting stories and Rebecca Lowe.  There is a lot to look forward to.  Sit back, relax and enjoy.


9.  Check out this Blog.  I will be on, regularly if not daily.  You get to experience my observations, my thoughts, my predictions and my suggestions for things to look forward to.  Eventually, I will repeat my You Are Beautiful post as well.


So, there you have it.  My guidelines for experiencing the Olympics from afar (meaning we aren't in Rio.)  Use these as you see fit, except for #1.  That is a hard line rule.


Today's Olympic Story Line - Rather than give a story line, I will explain.  The purpose of this section is to give you the basics of a story.  Usually, it will be a story not well known.  Hopefully, you will learn something you didn't already know, or at least see something a little differently.  Occasionally, I will touch on a bigger story, but that isn't my goal.  These will start with my next post.


Reflections on What Has Happened (Focus for this will be on US sports and medals, but we will touch on other stuff as time permits) -


1.  Uhh, the Women's Soccer Team won.  That's about all I got today.


Predictions Sum Up -


1.  No predictions, yet, so...huh.  This isn't very exciting, so far.


Predictions -


Finally, a section I might have something to say.  These are totally random and based on whatever I want to predict.


1.  Bob Costas does not get an eye infection.
2.  NBC goes to commercial right before Latvia enters the stadium.
3.  The opening ceremonies are praised, but not as much as Beijing.
4.  US Men's Water Polo loses to Croatia
5.  US is not leading the medal count after tomorrow.


What to Watch for:


1.  Opening Ceremonies.
2.  Men's Cycling Road Race - you have the best commentators in all of Olympicland.  If you are a fan of cycling at all, this is must see, because the teams are completely out of whack.
3.  Tomorrow is the first full day of competition.  Try not to let something silly like a 5 hour swim meet that your own kids are competing in get in the way.