What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
I apologize for resorting to a cliché, but given the name of our summer this year, it seemed appropriate. Sam Seaborn, the fictional speechwriter on the television show, The West Wing played by Rob Lowe, once said, "Good writers borrow from other writers, great writers outright steal from them." Or something to that effect. I know not whether I am a good writer, a great writer or just a writer. I do borrow things from others, and from time to time I suppose I could be accused of stealing. One could argue I borrowed from the great philosopher, Yoda, with the beginning of that last sentence. For this post, I will be borrowing quotes and at least one cliché, not necessarily from great writers, but from whatever has inspired me the last couple of days.
So, to begin again:
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.
Despite the title, Kill the Family Tour 2014, we did not kill the family. We did not even kill one member of the family. The closest we came was after the Tour split into subset tours, Kill the Lithuanian (and Mom) and Rest the Boys, when Middle toppled off his bed and landed in the emergency room. This injury was unrelated to the Tour, but it did occur before the official end, so we will claim it. At various times during the summer Youngest seemed on the verge of either completely breaking down or taking out another family member in a homicidal rage brought on by sleep deprivation; Eldest looked like the walking dead; Middle seemed determined to prove he has stamina that exceeds that of a truly great Tour de France rider; and O4C looked like she just might regret taking this on, but we survived.
We did not kill the family. We made it stronger.
There were various risks with our summer experiment this year. First and foremost, The Wife was the only person who met O4C, and that was about 14 years ago. We had no idea if she was qualified for the position of "summer nanny" or, even if qualified, she had any idea what she was getting herself into. Babysitting is one thing. A full time job, babysitting our three boys, all day, every weekday, is a somewhat different experience. In addition, we had had great experiences with our "summer nannies" the last two summers, experiences which most likely could have been repeated. So, we were passing up a very good thing.
Second, and most importantly, O4C was going to be living in our home. This was not just an "employee". We were adding a family member. If this didn't work out, on a professional or personal level, we would have been in trouble. From her side of things, if she didn't like us, or the boys, or the job, or America, she was stuck in a miserable situation for six weeks. I have limited experience with teenage girls, but after this summer, I at least have some. I can tell you, I have no desire to spend six weeks stuck in a house with a miserable teenage girl. This would be its own special level of Hell I am certain even Dante couldn't imagine.
However, as they say, "nothing ventured, nothing gained." We took on these risks and were rewarded with a bigger, stronger family. Despite several joking comments to the contrary, I did not gain a daughter this summer. As I have said in a previous post, she was more like a niece to The Wife and I. We didn't have to "parent" her. We had a fantastic summer. We grew our family by one. The boys gained a sister. O4C gained three brothers.
The image of this is shown in two pictures, both on a bench outside Baskin Robbins. The first was taken on O4C's first Saturday night in America. All four of them sat on that bench next to each other and smiled. The picture looks orderly. Youngest is making a goofy face, but otherwise, it is four people, enjoying ice cream, on a bench. The second picture was taken on O4C's last Friday night in America. They are on the exact same bench. However, this picture is not orderly. They are climbing all over each other. They are a mess. In the first picture, they took up the whole bench, with noticeable space between each person. In the second picture, the boys are on O4C like they are climbing a mountain, and they barely used half the bench. No need for space, they needed to be close. As O4C's Lithuanian Mother put it, "Time flies...love grows." O4C posted this second picture on Facebook with the comment, "Be jealous. I have the best brothers in the world."
Sometimes it makes me sad, though... Andy being gone. I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up DOES rejoice. But still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone. I guess I just miss my friend. - The Shawshank Redemption
Yes, this is melodramatic, and does not perfectly apply. O4C was not caged in our house and we did not rejoice at her flying away. However, this quote found itself in my head the night she left.
I have always loved the movie, The Shawshank Redemption, and this quote in particular. It's the last sentence that gets me. "I guess I just miss my friend." I imagine Red trying to justify his feelings. Andy didn't belong in prison. It was a sin to lock him up. His feathers are too bright. Ultimately, though, Red confronts his true thought, his true feelings. He misses his friend. There are no philosophical justifications, just pure human emotion. One person missing another.
We can do the same thing with our family. O4C needed to go back to her home, to her family, to her friends. We definitely needed a break from the pace we were holding all summer. We need sleep, we need normalcy. The Boys need to go back to school in a few weeks. The house needs to be cleaned badly. However, I think this quote found its way into my head for one simple reason. We just miss her. We can try to justify things any way we want. We can't get away from the human emotion.
And just like that, she was gone. - Forrest Gump
Again, not exactly perfect. Jenny kept coming into Forrest's life, then leaving suddenly. We knew when O4C was leaving even before she arrived. However, it feels sudden because it all happened so fast. Summer is a whirlwind anyway, but you add a new family member and 6 weeks worth of extra activities, and it flies by even quicker. Her last day with us, she and The Wife returned from New York, she packed, we ate dinner, several people cried, and she left. Just like that, she was gone.
Before O4C left, we asked the Boys if they wanted her to come back. Eldest, who was the most excited to meet her and bonded with her the quickest, immediately said "yes". Middle responded with a fairly nonchalant "yes", as only Middle can. Youngest defiantly said "no" and maintained his position. As she and The Wife drove off to the airport, Youngest started to freak out. He was yelling at me, "I didn't want her to go!" I think he demonstrated the suddenness of her leaving. She was always there, and then, just like that, she was gone. Up to that point, it didn't feel real to any of us. She had become a permanent member of the family. And just like that, she was gone.
The next night, I went to the basement to play Wii. O4C lived in the basement during her time with us and, in a most likely over-sensitive effort to not invade the personal space of a 16 year old girl, I spent very little time there. After she left, I looked forward to some mindless Mario time. I put the boys to bed and headed down to play. As I walked through the basement, the large purple suitcase that had been sitting next to the bed for 6 weeks was gone. Her tablet was not sitting on the table. The bed was made, and nothing was on top of it. The basement felt empty.
I played that night, but with a very heavy heart. The basement felt incomplete. Our family feels incomplete. In a way, our lives feel incomplete.
Last night, after walking past the bathroom and ignoring the towels hanging there for two days, I finally took them to the laundry room to be washed. This was my symbolic acceptance that she's gone. As long as those towels hung in the basement, part of her was still here. Just like Youngest, "I didn't want her to go."
Using movie quotes in this post is fitting, because our summer was much like the plot of a summer comedy movie. What happens when you thrust a 16 year old girl into a family of boys for the summer? Introduction, build up, adventure, hijinks and a good-bye. Of course, the movie ends. There is no next day. There are no towels to be washed. The suitcase doesn't disappear.
Sometimes, it makes me sad. I have to remind myself, we lived our movie. We are better and stronger for it. We are a family of six now. We not only gained a new family member for us, I feel like we gained a new family. The Wife was able to reconnect with an old friend. Hopefully, we will have a lifetime of trips to spend with O4C and her family. We did what we set out to do. All of our children had a wonderful summer. Part me rejoices at an overwhelmingly successful experiment...I guess I just miss my daughter.
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