This spring I was roped into coaching Eldest's soccer team. I didn't want to (explanation below) and tried to weasel out of it with mostly true comments about my work commitment and commute. Basically, I told the Coordinator I couldn't get out of work in time to then go through my 50-60 minute commute and still make practice by 5 or 6 o'clock.. He immediately told me that a 7 pm practice would be no problem and with the earlier daylight savings time, we should have plenty of light, at least by mid-season. I dwelled on this for a couple of days (that silence must have been brutal to him), then decided if he was that desparate, I'd do it.
I didn't want to coach because I am a competitive jack-ass. While assistant coaching Middle's Under 6 team last fall I had to resist the urge to take out one particularly good and (in my opinion) obnoxious little 5 year old who kept scoring and running up the field like he was Maradona. I don't let the more evil thoughts in my head get the best of me. I usually maintain a cheery demeanor and always remind the kids that playing and having fun are more important than who wins and loses and what the score is. But I don't generally like when even a small part of me is telling my right arm to pick up a soccer ball and launch it at some kid's head.
I also remember coaching Eldest's team last spring. Our first few games were great. I know we won a couple, we may have tied one, we may have lost one, but they were competitive games. I thought the boys were having fun and learning something. Then about halfway through the season we got trounced in a game. As competitive as I am, and as much as I hate losing, I am also realistic. On my golf trip, discussed a few weeks ago, I know I am one of the weaker players and that I don't put the effort into the game to beat most of the other guys. I am fine with that. My frustration in golf comes from losing balls and playing terribly compared to myself, not my position with others. If I swam a race against a clearly better swimmer, I would lose and I would accept that. If my team lost to a team of better players, I would handle it pretty well. This is not the upper most level of soccer, it is a recreational league.
But that first game we lost big, I felt like we were clearly outcoached. I had trouble accepting that. Mostly, I felt like I let my team down. We lost pretty big the following week, and I, once again, felt like we were outcoached. The boys on the other team were playing soccer. The boys on my team were basically chasing butterflies. Not literally, but they may as well have been chasing butterflies. At that point, I decided coaching soccer was not for me. Last fall, I assisted coaching Middle's team, but that is different from head coaching. I just do what the head coach says and the results are his report card, not mine. That's not exactly the best attitude, but I am volunteering and I don't spend the rest of the day feeling miserable and wondering if I am doing a disservice to a bunch of boys and their parents who spent a decent amount of money for their son to play soccer. This is a pretty good example of me not handling losing well and reading too much into it.
One year and a couple of desperate emails later, I found myself coaching again. I tried to correct some of the things I thought I did wrong last spring. I try to make practice fun, but to also teach them a little and make sure they learn both the skills and the strategy of the game. Based on my research of coaching youth soccer, I try to do too much. But I want to win and I want the boys to win. I'll be OK if we don't win every game, but I still want to win them all and I want the boys to be competitive. My son, and two other boys on his team, lost every game they played last fall. I want them to win. Winning and losing don't matter as much as fun and development in youth sports, but winning is better than losing. I think all kids need to lose from time to time because they need to understand that it is going to happen. If they become sports fans, they also need to understand that their favorite teams are going to lose fairly regularly. (Middle somehow has become a LeBron James and Miami Heat fan - he needs to learn this lesson some day. LeBron and the Heat aren't helping.) Kids also need to feel the thrill of victory. To walk off that field with a smile on their face. To not have to be reminded that having fun is the most important thing. At least from time to time.
Our first game was last Saturday, and we got my wish. Eldest and his two teammates from last fall got their win. Eldest scored our second goal in a 3-1 win. I was proud of his goal, because he got it through tenacity. He didn't give up on a 25/25/25/25 ball (that would be a ball in the midst of 4 different players who all have an equal chance at it), took it from the other three and put it into the net. I was equally proud of the team's third goal. One player slipped a pass between two defenders to a teammate wide open in front of the goal. Of course, what I remember most is the 1 of the 3-1 score.
This is the clearest sign that I hate losing more than I enjoy winning. Our boys played great. They created a number of shots, they had a couple of great goals (and one kind of lucky goal). They played good defense and mostly dominated possession. I remember the goal we gave up. I remember why we gave it up and I had to remind myself not to spike my paper pad after we gave up that goal. I then spent the next 10 minutes worried that our 2-0 easy victory was somehow going to turn into a 2-2 disappointing tie. I had to remind myself, many times, that winning isn't important and having fun and getting to play are what matters. I am more proud of how the boys played than I am of myself for not turning into a jack-ass in front of a team of 9 year old boys and their parents. But I was a little proud of myself for that.
When the game was over, hands were shaked and after game snacks were eaten, I allowed myself to enjoy the moment. I congratulated a very happy Eldest on a well played game and a win. About 5 minutes later I started thinking of ways to improve on that goal we gave up. I really do hate losing.
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